24 heures sur 24, renonçant au moindre de ses propres besoins.

Focalisée sur sa culpabilité, elle ne se rendait pas compte de l’égoïsme des autres et

de leur manipulations envers elle.

S’accusant à tord de leur maux, elle fut le parfait instrument bouc émissaire et

le bouclier des faibles: la sorcière.

Akan vit la vie s’éteindre.

Akan faisant semblant de ne pas souffrir, dominait tous les autres, attentifs à leurs seuls désirs

et besoins insatiables.

Pour survivre à leur égoïsme et leur aveuglement, leurs certitudes, leurs idées claires,

leurs carrières en pleine croissance, leurs voitures, leur cigarettes, leur argent,

leur vérité incontournable, leur racisme extrême,

Akan n’eut qu’un choix dans la vie: l’anorexie ou le suicide.

“La ligne de l’anorexie ou le suicide”. copyright Alice ODILON 2010.

In the past she had believed she was these only one dirty egoist, they were hunting night and day

in order to salve their peaceful lifes, and for this reason she would have like to be

a maidservant 24 hours a day, giving up, ignoring her own essential needs.

Focused on her guiltiness, she did not realized the selfishness of the others

and their handling towards her.

Accusing herself of being a monster, the black hole, she had been the perfect scapegoat

and the shield of weaks: the witch.

Akan saw the life’s death.

Akan pretending not suffering, dominated in secret everybody only caring of its

selfish desires and insatiable needs.

To survive their blindness, their certainty, their clear ideas, their full growing carriers,

their cars, their cigarettes, their money, their unavoidable matter of life,

their extreme racism, Akan had just one choice in life: Anorexia or suicide.

NB: Depuis le début de ce blog, j'aurais dû mentionner que le code est le suivant:

Anorexic girl = anta-girl = disembodied person = embodied soul =

bodily X metaphor = Figure A = Anorexic girl

Amis lecteurs gardez les en mémoire, si vous en avez envie.

Reprenons:

Après le difficile entrevue entre le grand homme élancé et Akan,

il se passe des choses tristes dans la tête de notre héroïne:

des choses amolissant, ralentissant l'envie et l'énergie de celle-ci.

Elle qui d'habitude part de rien et retrouve son tout, se situe

maintenant sur une ère de rue délicate et pleine d'embûches.

A chaque pas, il faut bien regarder de tous côtés pour voir venir l'ennemi,

ou l'espoir, la Figure A.

Rien n'est moins simple que de poursuivre et repartir en avant, même de travers.

Akan sait que si elle renonce, elle mourra par l'ennui et la mort dans l'âme.

Il vaut mieux aller jusqu'au bout et tenter le coup pour le tout A-Figure.

Elle n'y perdra rien, elle y perdra toute sa vie.

En s'amusant des contraires, Akan marche à côté d'une jeune fille blanche

à la peau immaculée, fraîche du matin, toute neuve,

éclose et pourtant……

Les rythmes des pas de nos deux personnages coïncident presque,

il reste un écart imperceptible dû aux poids différents des corps.

La jeune femme petite et massive, porte son bassin comme la mort,

comme une faute impardonnable, une erreur exquise, un écran à la vie.

Tout son corps est attaché à cette masse finale d'inertie.

Elle voudrait cacher çà, l'oublier, oublier son poids aveugle et

sa masse réelle.

Mais elle ne peut pas, elle en fut dotée par le Dieu du malheur, lors de ses 4 ans.

De ce terrible fait elle marche lourdement, freinée par la part sourde.

D'ailleurs elle a senti le bras de Akan frôler sa robe et cela ne lui plaît pas

car elle ne veut pas que l'on sente son corps, que l'on touche une parcelle de

sa peau sublime, que l'on voit la largeur de ses hanches prisonnières dans la

chair opâque.

- Excusez-moi, s'écrie Akan, comme une idiote.

- Ce n'est pas grave, murmure la gamine taciturne et sombre.

- Je voulais vous dire; vous avez l'air d'une amphore, d'un vase de plomb,

votre allure si épaisse et sombre me fait mal, avoue Akan, d'un flot de mots

lancés. Votre tronc est votre énigme, la question non élucidée, le sujet essentiel,

que vous évitez depuis longtemps, des années, certainement.

Cette boîte en vous va rester fermée et se durcir encore,

la porte ne cèdera jamais, il est trop tard.

Vous avez été traumatisée dans l'enfance par les méfaits d'un abuseur

menaçant de mort votre mère, et vous avez dû la défendre nuit et jour.

Vous vous êtes perdue à vous battre contre le mal, votre mère s'en est sortie

et vous a sauvée aussi, mais vous vous êtes tout de même perdue

et le trauma vous a emmenée de l'autre côté, celui des méchants.

De témoins victime, vous êtes devenue un prédateur.

Les parents harceleurs font des enfants manipulables qui donnent naissance

à des manipulateurs pervers narcissiques. Votre mère était manipulée par sa mère,

elle est devenue anorexique pour survivre de l'emprise; Vous êtes née en 1988,

Vous avez été une petite fille sage, chagrinée car vos parents se sont séparés

lorsque vous aviez 3 ans.

Vous avez été mal pendant cette période, très mal, vous perdiez tout sentiment de sécurité;

votre mère était seule et vous sentiez sa faiblesse et son errance.

Un jour de février 92, elle s'est perdue dans les bras d'un abuseur comme pour retrouver

l'emprise sécurisante et morbide qu'elle avait connue petite fille avec sa propre mère.

Vous avez réalisé comment votre maman était manipulable et cela vous a terrorisée.

Elle vous est apparue faible et imbécile, vous avez vu son aveuglement

presque aussitôt.

La manipulation mentale a été votre mécanisme de  survie.

Voyant votre mère se détruire sous l'emprise de l'abuseur,

Vous avez emprunté la stratégie du harceleur menaçant votre vie

et celle de votre mère.

Cela vous a permis de ne plus avoir peur.

Mais cela ne vous a pas rendu heureuse, cela vous a donné cet air maussade, ce visage

contracté de mécontentement, votre côté bilieux, votre mémoire morose.

- Non mais çà va pas, espèce de folle! comment osez-vous? vous êtes vous regardée

dans une glace, horreur de ma vue, mocheté, affreuse vieille femme, vous êtes si laide,

tas d'os, terrible spectre nerveux, vous n'avez pas le droit de me dire la vérité.

- Si je suis ainsi c'est que je l'ai voulu, voilà toute la différence.

je me veux maigre et ardue comme l'herbe des chemins.

Sèche et racée en hirondelle dans le ciel.

Mon pas abrite mon coeur et mon corps respire dans mes pas.

je ne transporte plus rien avec moi que moi-même et mon présent, le reste s'est envolé,

le mal s'est assoupi. Des cancers j'ai fait des gallets sur la plage.

Je me suis acceptée.

- Vos dires sont infondés. j'ai en effet un corps intérieur symbole de ma

souffrance et mon histoire dramatique, j'ai une volonté d'acier pour combattre le mal

que je vois partout.

Je dois maîtriser les gens, les séduire, les charmer, les observer, les tester,

les flatter.

je dois tuer l'autre pour vivre.

Je n'ai pas le choix, c'est ma vie.

Alice ODILON. Copyright 2/07/2010.

NB  Since the start of this blog I should have mentioned the following equivalence :

—————

Dear Readers bear this in mind if you so wish.

Let’s continue:

Following the difficult meeting between the tall elegant man and Akan something

sad came to pass in the mind of our heroine, something relaxing, reducing her desire

and energy.

She, who normally started from nothing and yet discovered everything, found herself

in a delicate situation on a road full of pitfalls.

With each step she had to look around for potential dangers, or hopefully for Figure A.

Nothing is easier than to continue and to move forward, even awry.

Akan knows that if she doesn’t she’ll die of boredom and a heavy heart.

Better to go through with it and go all out for A Figure.

She won’t loss anything; she’ll lose all her life.

Whilst reflecting on these contradictions, Akan was walking next

to a pale young girl with perfect skin, fresh as a daisy, brand new,

as if newly hatched and yet………….

The rhythms of their steps almost coincided, there was just an almost imperceptible

difference due to their contrasting body weights.

The young girl, small and heavy built, carried her pelvis as if dead,

like an unforgivable sin, a terrible error, a shield from life.

All her body is attached to this mass of death and inertia.

She would have liked to hide this, forget it, forget her weight and her true mass.

However she is incapable, she was cursed with it by the God of misfortune

when she was only 4 years old.

As a result of this terrible fact she walked heavily, slowed down by her handicap.

Besides she had felt Akan’s arm graze her dress and this was unpleasant

for her as she didn’t want anyone to feel her body, to touch any part

of her magnificent skin, or see the size of her hips imprisoned within.

- Excuse me, exclaimed Akan like an idiot.

- It’s nothing, murmured the taciturn and gloomy young girl.

- I’d like to tell you; you look like an amphora, a vase made of lead,

your appearance so solid and somber upsets me, confessed Akan,

with an outpouring of words. Your body is your enigma, the unanswered question,

the essential subject that you have avoided for so long, years no doubt.

This box in you will remain closed and become even more durable,

the door will never open, it is too late.

You have been traumatised in childhood by the misdeeds of an abuser

threatening the life of your mother, and you had to defend her night and day.

You entered perdition by fighting against this evil, your mother escaped,

saving you as well, despite which you were lost, the trauma transformed you

and you ended up on the side of the wicked.

From being a victim and witness you have become a predator.

Overpowering and aggressive parents produce children that are easily manipulated

who themselves give birth to perverse narcissic manipulators.

Your mother had been manipulated by her mother so she became anorexic

to escape this stranglehold; You were born in 1988, you were a well-behaved

little girl, saddened when your parents separated when you were 3.

You were unhappy during this period, very unhappy, you lost all sense

of security; your mother was alone and you sensed her weakness and wandering.

One day in February 1992 she fell for an abuser as if she wanted to return

to the unhealthy sensations of her childhood being manipulated by her own mother.

You realised how easily your mother could be manipulated and that terrorised you.

She seemed weak and stupid to you, you saw how blind she was almost immediately.

Mental manipulation was your means of surviving.

Seeing your own mother self destruct under the influence of the abuser,

you took on the mantel of the abuser who threatened both you and your mother.

Like this you were no longer afraid.

However this didn’t make you happy, it gave you your sulky attitude,

your discontented look, your bilious manner, your morose memories.

- But who do you think you are? You’re mad! Who gave you the right?

Have you looked in a mirror recently? Awful, horrible old woman,

you are so ugly, a pile of bones, a nervous wreck, you don’t have the right

to tell me the truth.

- I’m like this because I want to be, that’s the big difference.

I want to be thin and tough like grass growing on paths.

Dry and racy like swallows in the sky. My steps harbour my heart

and my body breathes through my steps.

I have no other baggage than myself and my present, all the rest has gone,

my pain has gone to sleep. I have transformed my cancerous memories into no more

than pebbles on a beach.

I have come to terms with myself.

- What you say is untrue. Effectively I have an inner body which is a symbol

of my suffering and my dramatic past; however I have a will power of steel

to fight the evil that I see everywhere.

I have to master people, seduce them, charm them, observe them, test them,

and flatter them.

I need to kill others to live.

I have no choice, it’s my life.

Alice ODILON. (Traduction David SOAMES)4/06/2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZyCxJWitEw

{-(Jean-René Ruez, a senior French police official, was the central figure in establishing

the facts about the executions of at least 8,372 Bosniacs in Srebrenica.

As a Chief Investigator for Srebrenica appointed by the Hague Tribunal,

Jean-René Ruez has spent the past 14 years working tirelessly to collect the evidence

of the Srebrenica genocide and prove that the massacres were planned and covered

up in an attempt to hide the crime.

Before being appointed to lead what became the biggest criminal investigation in Europe

since World War II, Jean-René Ruez studied law and entered in the elite French police commissioners’ school.

He worked as a Senior police investigator in Paris, Marseille and then Nice.

After joining the International Criminal Tribunal for the Former Yugoslavia,

he went straight to the field collecting evidence – going as far as digging out mass graves.

Haunted by all he has learned and worn down by the weight of his responsibility,

Jean-René Ruez has sacrificed everything to try and hold the guilty to account.

His contribution to the truth about the Srebrenica genocide is enormous.

Through his eyes, we gain a fresh perspective on what happened at Srebrenica.

For example, Serbian journalist Zoran Petrovic filmed the Srebrenica massacres

and then blacked out key scenes to conceal the crime.}{cf srebrenica genocide Blog}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e5MCWrdbAk

{Only thanks to Jean-René Ruez, the lost images would be uncovered and later used

as evidence in the Courts.)

- cited cases of adults being forced

to kill their children or watching as soldiers ended the young lives.

He gave evidence that Bosnian Serb forces had killed and tortured refugees at will.

Streets were littered with corpses, he said, and rivers were red with blood.

Many people committed suicide to avoid having their noses, lips and ears chopped off, he said.

Following these murders, the victims of Srebrenica were buried in mass graves

that continue to mark the landscape with traces of the crime.}{cf Srebrenica genocide blog.}

Reading the press, I found other words of witnesses, investigators, writers, journalists:

"In a five-day orgy of slaughter at Srebrenica in July 1995, up to 8000 Muslims were systematically

exterminated in what was described at the U.N. war crimes tribunal as "the triumph of evil."

"What made it worse was the genocide took place in what had been

designated a U.N. "safe area" three months earlier."

A judge at The Hague tribunal was later to describe what happened in Srebrenica

as "truly scenes from hell written on the darkest pages of human history."

Thousands of Bosnian Muslims had sought refuge in the spa town of Srebrenica

in 1995 as the Bosnian Serb army marched towards them.

They were protected by just 100 lightly equipped Dutch peacekeepers -

who proved no match for the advancing, heavily-armed Serb army.

"So that region was the theatre of a fierce manhunt, and I know that

they were collecting people at three locations.

One of them was the stadium near Nova Kasaba.

The second one was a farm, agricultural farm in the village of Kravica.

The third location was an elementary school or part of a factory in Kravica."

"The Bosnian Serbs, sought both to annihilate the Bosniac presence

from the Srebrenica enclave  and to hide all evidence of the deed,

"To create, the illusion that their victims had never existed".(Florence Hartman)